Not sure what normal is...

Well, we are home. Daniel and I got home Sunday about 6:30pm. It was a VERY long trip home. After an extremely long and uncomfortable flight to Moscow, a terrible night's sleep, and another long and uncomfortable flight home on Sunday, we were feeling a little out of sorts to say the least. It was great to see all the kids again. We missed them so much while we were away. To say they were happy to see us, would be an understatement. Nothing beats coming in the door and having them run up to you and yell "Mommy!"It really was great to be home. So, we were back.....now to get things back to normal. The problem now is though that I'm not really sure what normal is anymore. You know, before, it was like Lex was just "out there" somewhere. A baby that would be here "some day". A son God had chosen for us, but wasn't here "yet." But now.....

Now, he is so real. He is ours. We have held him, fed him, played with him, sang to him, and kissed him. He has become our son....one of our children....a part of our family. How do we do normal without him here? I knew leaving him would be hard. I knew I would worry about him, be impatient to bring him home. What I didn't bargain for was this huge hole that leaving him has left in me. I miss him more than I can ever describe to anyone else. He consumes my thoughts. "What time is it in Vladivostok right now? (and then I start adding 15 hours to our time) What would Lex be doing? Oh, he's eating lunch right now. or It's his naptime."

I love our children, and I hate the thought of leaving them for 3 weeks (that's how long our next trip will be). The thought of leaving them for that long makes me feel sick. I feel so torn. I can't wait to leave, but I don't want to. My heart is just so divided. I know it will be worth it. Something Irina said to me during our trip just keeps playing over and over again in my head. I asked her how to say "I love you" in Russian. She told me (it was something crazy that I couldn't say). When I asked her to repeat it, she said...

 "Just say it in English. He will understand. He's never heard anyone say that to him--even in Russian--so he wouldn't know what it meant anyway. Just say it and he'll know. Kids just feel things."

Those words come to my mind every time I think of Lex. At 9 months old, he's never heard the words "I love you". Those will be the first words I say to him next time I get to hold my baby boy. I can only hope that in the short amount of time we got to spend with him, he felt it.

So,we are home and we are doing normal again as best we can....We'll keep doing this "normal"until we can actually have our whole family together and show Lex what "normal" really looks like (at least normal in the Cook house :) Can't wait!!