Lex,
You are 9 months old today. I didn't realize it before, but you were born on October 13, 2010 and we began our journey to you on October 10, 2010. God is so amazing!
Your daddy preached about you tonight at church. He shared the story of this journey God has put us on to bring you into our family. He started at the beginning and explained the process we have gone through...from the calling God placed on us to our first meeting with you. It was strange to think about what you were doing in that moment as we were all talking about you. I miss you so much. I wish tonight we were celebrating this milestone in your first year of life together. I wish I could hold you tonight and tell you how special you are, how much you've grown, how much you've changed. You have had a tough first year of life, but God has so much more planned for you. He has seen you and chosen you for a special purpose. Your daddy talked tonight about how we are all adopted by God. How he paid the ultimate price for us all, how he has chosen us to be his children. You, sweet boy, have given us such a new perspective on God' love for us. Even as a tiny baby, you have taught us so much what it means to love unconditionally.
Through you, we have learned what God truly means when he said we are a "chosen people". That we are adopted to be His children. As I sit here tonight thinking about you and wishing above all else that you were here with us, I know that God has already adopted you. That you ARE loved. That you ARE wanted. Not just by us, but by the greatest Father anyone could ever ask for. We are so humbled and grateful that God has chosen us to be your parents, but nothing we could ever give you could ever compare to the love God has already shown you. I pray tonight that when you are old enough to understand the unusual journey God took us all on to bring us together, that you will understand exactly how much He loves you and that He "knew the plans He has for you" even before you were born. I love you. I will see you soon.
Love,
Mama
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Not sure what normal is...
Well, we are home. Daniel and I got home Sunday about 6:30pm. It was a VERY long trip home. After an extremely long and uncomfortable flight to Moscow, a terrible night's sleep, and another long and uncomfortable flight home on Sunday, we were feeling a little out of sorts to say the least. It was great to see all the kids again. We missed them so much while we were away. To say they were happy to see us, would be an understatement. Nothing beats coming in the door and having them run up to you and yell "Mommy!"It really was great to be home. So, we were back.....now to get things back to normal. The problem now is though that I'm not really sure what normal is anymore. You know, before, it was like Lex was just "out there" somewhere. A baby that would be here "some day". A son God had chosen for us, but wasn't here "yet." But now.....
Now, he is so real. He is ours. We have held him, fed him, played with him, sang to him, and kissed him. He has become our son....one of our children....a part of our family. How do we do normal without him here? I knew leaving him would be hard. I knew I would worry about him, be impatient to bring him home. What I didn't bargain for was this huge hole that leaving him has left in me. I miss him more than I can ever describe to anyone else. He consumes my thoughts. "What time is it in Vladivostok right now? (and then I start adding 15 hours to our time) What would Lex be doing? Oh, he's eating lunch right now. or It's his naptime."
I love our children, and I hate the thought of leaving them for 3 weeks (that's how long our next trip will be). The thought of leaving them for that long makes me feel sick. I feel so torn. I can't wait to leave, but I don't want to. My heart is just so divided. I know it will be worth it. Something Irina said to me during our trip just keeps playing over and over again in my head. I asked her how to say "I love you" in Russian. She told me (it was something crazy that I couldn't say). When I asked her to repeat it, she said...
"Just say it in English. He will understand. He's never heard anyone say that to him--even in Russian--so he wouldn't know what it meant anyway. Just say it and he'll know. Kids just feel things."
Those words come to my mind every time I think of Lex. At 9 months old, he's never heard the words "I love you". Those will be the first words I say to him next time I get to hold my baby boy. I can only hope that in the short amount of time we got to spend with him, he felt it.
So,we are home and we are doing normal again as best we can....We'll keep doing this "normal"until we can actually have our whole family together and show Lex what "normal" really looks like (at least normal in the Cook house :) Can't wait!!
Now, he is so real. He is ours. We have held him, fed him, played with him, sang to him, and kissed him. He has become our son....one of our children....a part of our family. How do we do normal without him here? I knew leaving him would be hard. I knew I would worry about him, be impatient to bring him home. What I didn't bargain for was this huge hole that leaving him has left in me. I miss him more than I can ever describe to anyone else. He consumes my thoughts. "What time is it in Vladivostok right now? (and then I start adding 15 hours to our time) What would Lex be doing? Oh, he's eating lunch right now. or It's his naptime."
I love our children, and I hate the thought of leaving them for 3 weeks (that's how long our next trip will be). The thought of leaving them for that long makes me feel sick. I feel so torn. I can't wait to leave, but I don't want to. My heart is just so divided. I know it will be worth it. Something Irina said to me during our trip just keeps playing over and over again in my head. I asked her how to say "I love you" in Russian. She told me (it was something crazy that I couldn't say). When I asked her to repeat it, she said...
"Just say it in English. He will understand. He's never heard anyone say that to him--even in Russian--so he wouldn't know what it meant anyway. Just say it and he'll know. Kids just feel things."
Those words come to my mind every time I think of Lex. At 9 months old, he's never heard the words "I love you". Those will be the first words I say to him next time I get to hold my baby boy. I can only hope that in the short amount of time we got to spend with him, he felt it.
So,we are home and we are doing normal again as best we can....We'll keep doing this "normal"until we can actually have our whole family together and show Lex what "normal" really looks like (at least normal in the Cook house :) Can't wait!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
A Few Thoughts From Dad
Today we did not get to see Lex, because we had to make sure we signed the papers to say we were adopting him. If we missed this it would put us out another month having to get things signed and translated. With the President still around it made it hard to travel, so we played it safe. As we were sitting eating lunch enjoying ourselves, I couldn't help but think, "What is Lex doing right now?" It will be a long three months (that is when we hope to return) because this thought will continue to arise.
Irina, who has been great, keeps making a statement..."The blind say we will see." This is an interesting place with an interesting history. The history continues to impact the way people think and act today. There is so much truth to this statement just referring to the people here and God, it is too much to write about. So I will stick to this statement and its relation to Lex and us.
As we started on this journey we knew there would be some hard times and difficult decisions. We understand that not everyone comprehends our decision to take on the task of adoption. To be honest, sometimes I wondered myself if we got into something to big for us. Back home and even here we get asked the questions; Why do you want to adopt if you can have kids? Do you need more kids? How can you support a family of 7 with your salaries? People are blind to the opportunity we have been given to change a life forever. People only look at surface situations of us and not the life that can be changed forever. I myself, sometimes have allowed myself to be blinded to the awesome calling God has placed on us to do this.
We continue to have a long road ahead of us. We have more paper work, travel again, more hurdles to jump through, money, and court. This week God has confirmed this decision with me so many times. As you have read in the previous post, the journey was not the easiest. Times with travel and other things here, were not always smooth. But when we had the few hours to spend with Lex nothing else mattered. His cool outfits, his laughter, his smile, the funny noises he makes, and most of all his kisses have made every dollar, paper, test, and trial more than worth it. The hard part was saying goodbye. Abby will find this out the same time you do, but I had to walk away or stop talking many of times to keep from crying. It is tears of joy, for the life I love as my own, and also sadness because yesterday was the last time I will see him for probably 3 months.
We asked our translator how to say "I Love You.". She told us and of course we have no idea how to say it. Then she made the statement that will stick with me for the next few months. She said it does not matter how you say it to Lex. He has never heard someone say that to him and it doesn't matter how you say it...he will know what you are saying when he hears it. Not only the thought of any child having to live a life like this, but now I love this child who has to live this life for the next few months. We have fallen in love with this child, but just knowing he had a life like this is hard to swallow.
So as the saying goes, "The blind say we will see." People question our decision and sometimes I question how we things will work out. I know it is a lot of work, miles, and money. The great thing about it all is...I serve a God who can make the blind see. When He calls us to something he will provide a way. The people here will see how great my God is as he continues to show himself strong. I will trust in God even when I cannot see, because I know he has called me to do this. And one day, the ones who do not understand this will also see, when we arrive in a few months with Lex. They will see a life forever changed, a boy who loves to laugh, loves to smile, and loves to give kisses! That day the blind will see God's greatest and we will look back and see him holding us through it all.
Irina, who has been great, keeps making a statement..."The blind say we will see." This is an interesting place with an interesting history. The history continues to impact the way people think and act today. There is so much truth to this statement just referring to the people here and God, it is too much to write about. So I will stick to this statement and its relation to Lex and us.
As we started on this journey we knew there would be some hard times and difficult decisions. We understand that not everyone comprehends our decision to take on the task of adoption. To be honest, sometimes I wondered myself if we got into something to big for us. Back home and even here we get asked the questions; Why do you want to adopt if you can have kids? Do you need more kids? How can you support a family of 7 with your salaries? People are blind to the opportunity we have been given to change a life forever. People only look at surface situations of us and not the life that can be changed forever. I myself, sometimes have allowed myself to be blinded to the awesome calling God has placed on us to do this.
We continue to have a long road ahead of us. We have more paper work, travel again, more hurdles to jump through, money, and court. This week God has confirmed this decision with me so many times. As you have read in the previous post, the journey was not the easiest. Times with travel and other things here, were not always smooth. But when we had the few hours to spend with Lex nothing else mattered. His cool outfits, his laughter, his smile, the funny noises he makes, and most of all his kisses have made every dollar, paper, test, and trial more than worth it. The hard part was saying goodbye. Abby will find this out the same time you do, but I had to walk away or stop talking many of times to keep from crying. It is tears of joy, for the life I love as my own, and also sadness because yesterday was the last time I will see him for probably 3 months.
We asked our translator how to say "I Love You.". She told us and of course we have no idea how to say it. Then she made the statement that will stick with me for the next few months. She said it does not matter how you say it to Lex. He has never heard someone say that to him and it doesn't matter how you say it...he will know what you are saying when he hears it. Not only the thought of any child having to live a life like this, but now I love this child who has to live this life for the next few months. We have fallen in love with this child, but just knowing he had a life like this is hard to swallow.
So as the saying goes, "The blind say we will see." People question our decision and sometimes I question how we things will work out. I know it is a lot of work, miles, and money. The great thing about it all is...I serve a God who can make the blind see. When He calls us to something he will provide a way. The people here will see how great my God is as he continues to show himself strong. I will trust in God even when I cannot see, because I know he has called me to do this. And one day, the ones who do not understand this will also see, when we arrive in a few months with Lex. They will see a life forever changed, a boy who loves to laugh, loves to smile, and loves to give kisses! That day the blind will see God's greatest and we will look back and see him holding us through it all.
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